Intricacies of Intimacy

While Kochan struggles from a fundamental difference between what he expects his romantic desires should be, and what impulses actually manifest, he still touches upon concepts that are universal in not only the search for love, but also in the development of platonic love, a concept which escapes our narrator even to the last page. The complexity of the emotions surrounding personal relationships are not something one can just intuit, but a cooperative puzzle requiring input from mentors and peers. It is also necessary to adopt the Adam Savage mentality that “Failure is ALWAYS an option,” and to understand that these failures are merely painful steps toward maturity and growth. Kochan finds that although he does not feel 'in love' with Sonoko, he feels at ease with her, as well as an intense pain at the idea of losing her. These feelings are the 'Braxton Hicks contractions' of the heart, often causing the confused owner of such sentiments to fall into a comfortable relationship based upon a fallacy. I have often worried whether my feelings toward a female in one relationship are suggesting the desire for a different relationship, that a current romantic relationship should be platonic or someone who was “just a friend” was meant to be more. Kochan makes a very apt observation that, “no relationship between a boy and a girl could ever remain just the same.” I think it is fair to say that his assumption that this quandary only occurs between members of opposing sexes is a fallacy derived from the society in which he found himself, and in fact the relationship between any two people will never stay exactly the same. Even inter-family relationships evolve over time, and it is important to acknowledge this so as not to be caught off-guard when these changes occur. He also realizes that is confluence of feelings can be exacerbated by the absence of another. While I find the phrase, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” to be a typically inaccurate cliché, Kochan's realization that “A person who is separated from one by time and space takes on an abstract quality,” seems much more accurate. This leaves the exaggerated image to go in either a positive or negative direction. Unrequited love can grow uncontrollable, or be transferred to the wrong person, if left unchecked. When this transference occurs, the original target of affection must become something else, something less. All of these truths seem to speak universally to any interpersonal relationship, and in this way I feel that both the narrator shows himself to be capable of one day understanding the intricacies of intimacy, though that day may not come for quite some time.

The Cyclical Nature of Unhealthy Introspection

Confessions of a Mask has been by far my favorite of all the novels we've read for this class. I found someone broken in a lot of the ways that I have struggled with, but to an extreme that makes me feel better about the progress I have made. To me, Kochan's biggest problem is his inability to connect to anything outside of himself, and how this prevents him from putting his internal turmoil into perspective. One pattern that Kochan falls into that I still struggle with today is getting trapped into a logical loop or paradox. For example, when he makes his comment about female bus-drivers, he immediately begins regretting the way in which he said it. He thinks of how he could have worded it more appropriately for the situation. For many teens, this is the cause of overwhelming anxiety, but for Kochan, myself, and what I can only presume to be some percentage of people greater than zero and less than one hundred, this is just the beginning. Soon after the concerns of how the situation should have been handled, the underlying idea that the act reflecting upon his errors in attempting to blend in means that this conversation could not have come naturally. For Kochan, it is pretending to have a lust for women that motivates his masquerade, but I can recall these internal arguments arising from something as small as the perceived need to feign understanding a dirty joke. At this point, the owner of this anxiety is tormenting himself regarding why he is different, but soon the ride gets even hairier. He begins to realize that thinking of himself as this complete 'other' who must translate his thoughts depending upon the recipient requires a certain hint of arrogance. Now a sense of guilt rushes over the worry-wart followed by a seemingly redundant realization that the previous realization had been false. How haughty must someone be to think that they are hiding their insecurities out of pride? Quickly the mind races to a new thought, “It was not my maturity, but my sense of uneasiness, my uncertainty, that was forcing me to gain control over my consciousness.” We have now returned to the sense of insecurity that began the whole masquerade, and similar to having Lambchop's “Song that Never Ends” or “Bananaphone” stuck on a loop in one's mind this cycle continues, aggravating the involuntary listener during every moment of silence, every chance the mind has to wander. Maybe Kochan was just born too soon to have the luxury of being diagnosed with ADD and generalized anxiety. Perhaps if his entire existence was transported through space and time to “the year of the chewable Ambien tab,” he could have found the help he needed to break free.

We'll travel to Mars, and visit the stars

I could'nt help but draw connections between the early parts of Confessions of a Mask and Breakfast on Pluto. Although my familiarity with the later is solely based upon the film adaptation starring Cillian Murphy and Liam Neeson, among others, the parallels are strong. Breakfast on Pluto details the story of Patrick "Kitten" Braden, who also dabbles in wearing the clothes of the opposite sex. Patrick's mother catches him wearing a dress and makeup and then the film cuts to him in the bathtub, being violently scrubbed. One of my favorite aspects of Breakfast on Pluto is that it caused me to feel legitimate empathy for someone I previously would've considered completely unlike myself. This same idea has really drawn me into Confessions of a Mask, as I can draw upon my own strange secrets and experiences hiding who I am from people, regardless of whether or not I relate to physical attraction towards a male, or the repulsion towards females in men's clothing. Although I doubt I will be reading about the Wombles of Wimbledon, or an explosion at a disco club in Confessions of a Mask, I won't be surprised if other, more discreet similarities appear.

Noses

I have had plenty of comments on my nose, been told my whole life it is the "Nugent" nose, but never have I been told that dynasties were waiting within my nose. Outside of my own parents, I don't think I have ever had a positive comment about my proboscis. That isn't to say it constantly gets made fun of, just that I have had both negative and neutral comments, but have never been truly complimented regarding my own personal booger farm. I would say the closest to a positive comment I ever had would be the remark of a man who sat next to me one day. We had previously met a few times, but he turned to me and said, "I'm sorry, but I never noticed your nose before, its kind of magnificent." It is a very interesting idea to me that in another culture, perhaps my nose would be respected, even feared. It also reminds me how little I really understand about eastern cultures. I had an Indian friend in middle school who was not allowed to shave his unibrow, and had no desire to, because somehow it was a matter of pride to him. Midnight's Children has brought me to come more to terms with my enormous sniffer, and also has piqued my interest about how various cultures react to certain human aesthetics. On a side note, I couldn't stop thinking about Rocky and Bullwinkles "Fairly Fractured Tale" involving a prince cursed with a nose like a casaba melon. There isn't much more of a connection, but I hope somebody appreciates the reference.