Confessions of a Mask has been by far my favorite of all the novels we've read for this class. I found someone broken in a lot of the ways that I have struggled with, but to an extreme that makes me feel better about the progress I have made. To me, Kochan's biggest problem is his inability to connect to anything outside of himself, and how this prevents him from putting his internal turmoil into perspective. One pattern that Kochan falls into that I still struggle with today is getting trapped into a logical loop or paradox. For example, when he makes his comment about female bus-drivers, he immediately begins regretting the way in which he said it. He thinks of how he could have worded it more appropriately for the situation. For many teens, this is the cause of overwhelming anxiety, but for Kochan, myself, and what I can only presume to be some percentage of people greater than zero and less than one hundred, this is just the beginning. Soon after the concerns of how the situation should have been handled, the underlying idea that the act reflecting upon his errors in attempting to blend in means that this conversation could not have come naturally. For Kochan, it is pretending to have a lust for women that motivates his masquerade, but I can recall these internal arguments arising from something as small as the perceived need to feign understanding a dirty joke. At this point, the owner of this anxiety is tormenting himself regarding why he is different, but soon the ride gets even hairier. He begins to realize that thinking of himself as this complete 'other' who must translate his thoughts depending upon the recipient requires a certain hint of arrogance. Now a sense of guilt rushes over the worry-wart followed by a seemingly redundant realization that the previous realization had been false. How haughty must someone be to think that they are hiding their insecurities out of pride? Quickly the mind races to a new thought, “It was not my maturity, but my sense of uneasiness, my uncertainty, that was forcing me to gain control over my consciousness.” We have now returned to the sense of insecurity that began the whole masquerade, and similar to having Lambchop's “Song that Never Ends” or “Bananaphone” stuck on a loop in one's mind this cycle continues, aggravating the involuntary listener during every moment of silence, every chance the mind has to wander. Maybe Kochan was just born too soon to have the luxury of being diagnosed with ADD and generalized anxiety. Perhaps if his entire existence was transported through space and time to “the year of the chewable Ambien tab,” he could have found the help he needed to break free.
You, nor Kochan are alone in “introspection”. I think pretty much everyone does a psychoanalysis of themselves, probably more often than not. However, I agree with you that there is a certain danger to it. Often what seems to be the case is people end up diagnosing themselves with different conditions or give circumstantial reasons for their state but never actually deal with their problems. I think this is Kochan’s issue, that he comes up with all these things that make him feel a certain way, and categorizes his emotions by them, but never actually makes a decision to go with or go against them. I really liked that you mentioned the idea of arrogance in introspection, because I think it’s something that’s often ignored. What seems to happen is we spend so much time going over our own problems and thinking we’re so messed up that we end up thinking of ourselves as little “psychological geniuses” for even considering this stuff. I will totally admit to falling into this, but what always brings me back down to earth is being around other people. In talking with others, I’ve discovered that I’m definitely not the most intelligent, I definitely don’t have the biggest problems, and I am definitely not alone which all brings me around to having that much needed moment of, “Sorry Sophia, you’re not nearly as cool as you think you are, get over yourself.” I’m not saying no one should ever be alone or that you should constantly surround yourself with other people (personally, I’d end up doing The Shining thing and chasing everyone with axes if that were the case), but maybe if Kochan would just get out of his house and talk to people, he would realize he’s not the only human on the planet.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe that you or Kochan are alone in this feeling of different-ness, anxiety, and despair. These are all fundamental parts of the human experience. It is something that some feel in a more profound way than others but it is there for all of us. What makes us unique is how we react to these feelings. And how we react is based on several factors. Some of it is based on your environment, our history, our genetic make up, and frankly much of it runs down to chance. This is the difference between the "jock" mentality and the "outsider" mentality. The jock takes these feelings and presses them on others. Feeling that cutting others down comparable raises themselves up (I am not saying this about all "jocks" but just using a common conception to make a point) while the "outsiders" focuses these all in on themselves cutting themselves down and thus feeling more and more on the outside. While the "average" person (average being the mean of over 6.4 billion people) finds a balance somewhere between the two. I for one was an "outsider" most of my life but then I had the epiphany that I was not greater or worse than any single person in this world. So I found that with giving everyone equal respect and demanding it form others you find yourself finally comfortable at the "average.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about what you said regarding Kochan's thought process, and I came to a question. Is he unable to connect to things outside himself, or is he unwilling? Kochan notices that he is different, not "normal". He seems to soothe his fears by telling himself that he is not normal because he is special. He convinces himself that he is just smarter and more mature than his peers. Could it be that he prevents himself from making connections in an attempt at protection from being ”outed” as not normal? I think that not-so-deep down he fears that all he really is is a freak, so he creates a veneer of arrogance and superiority in order to ward off his insecurities as a safeguard against the potentiality of being rejected by society. He chooses voluntary solitude over the perceived alternative of total isolation being imposed on him by the “normal” people filling the rest of the world. I think you’re probably right that he would have greatly benefited from an environment that offered more possibility of help and acceptance, so that he would have been able to look at Queen and say “Hey, even if I’m rejected by my parents, there are other people in the world that might relate to me.” That could certainly have helped him to fight his fear that nobody in the world was different, that he was alone. I think that troubled kids today probably benefit from the ability to turn on the TV and see that people far more strange than themselves exist, and can even be successful.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sophia that this is not a simple process for anyone, and that we are all in a similar journey. Abe, I really appreciate your view on this being such a journey and not always a one step thing. I wonder how much this process gets lost in simply wanting to mask pain and distract from where our subconscious wants to go. I also think that there are points in our life when we realize how others are viewing us and we perceive ourselves so intensely that we expect everyone else to understand why we are the way we are. But it seems like, especially in this book, that he is trying so hard to convince the reader of the way he sees himself that he is not even sure who he is anymore. I have noticed in many of the blog posts on this book have shown that introspection, although we all do it to some extent, it can be dangerous and harmful to ourselves and others who are trying to get to know who we are. Introspection can definitely be done to a fault, yet there are also so many people who 'extrospect' :) to a fault!
ReplyDeleteReally wonderful thread of conversation! You make excellent point here, Abe. I also wondered about want mental issues our narrator may be dealing with -- indeed, I would also add that he encourages this reading of his life, and that makes me wonder if he might be strategically deploying this narrative?
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